Memoir of a Hollow Man

I still don’t cook nearly as often as I used to, but I do a couple times a week…some of my faves I still enjoy; green curry prawns & scallops with coconut milk (on left), and jerk chicken roti (on right). Homemade food I tend to have better luck with, but I still get the “dumping syndrome” affects at times… no where near as often as I used to. #FeelingGood

Things were cruising along; I was feeling good by the end of the tenth month. I mean I was feeling more comfortable with my new bodily functions and my weight and energy were improving slowly, yet consistently. Then in the eleventh month I seemed to hit a wall and I dropped into what I suppose was depression. I’m not really familiar with the actual state of depression, I’ve been sad for long periods of time throughout these past three years, but during that time I felt positive and quite well for the most, so I wouldn’t define it as depressed. If anything that’s just being human.

Read more

As mentioned, when 2011 ended I felt a huge relief, saying goodbye to what was by far the most challenging year of my life, both physically and mentally. January 1st 2012 was the eighth month point in my recovery from the total gastrectomy and lymph node surgeries that were performed due to testicular cancer and the probability of stomach cancer forming in the near future. It was if I was starting to get over the hump, after all the doctors and everyone else that had knowledge of these operations said around the eight to twelve month mark was the turning point.

Read more

Anyone who was around me during those first few months might not have known it was so difficult due to my lack of showing it or discussing it, but that’s how I roll. To be honest, it might have been easier had I been more candid about what I was feeling. I guess I wanted people to think all was ok and not to worry about me, something I feel a lot of people in similar situations do. It’s not fun telling people over and over something hurts, is uncomfortable or just plain sucks. You want to tell them, besides mild discomfort, that your doing just fine and life’s going on as it used to, and that’s what I was fighting for, a sense of normality and life as it once was or as close to it as I could get.

Read more

With my freedom granted from the hospital, I headed to a friend’s moms house which was so kindly offered to me to stay at. This was a very generous gesture and with her place being the closest to my apartment, my parents and the clinic I had to visit regularly, plus the fact that she is a very kindhearted person, made this the obvious option. If I didn’t have a place to go after checking out of the hospital where I would have someone to watch over me and assist me if needed, it would have been possibly too much to take. It was also nice to have my own bedroom and bathroom in the basement, separate from the rest of the house. My body was now operating in a different way and if I had to share a bathroom or was in the way of others it would have been a nightmare.

Read more

The relentless thirst I was suffering from before was now gone thanks to the miniscule, yet adequate amounts of Gatorade G2 I was able to ingest and absorb, but all else was pretty much a write-off. Even the G2 was a challenge to consume, I had only made a slight dent in the bottle by the time I was cleared to try my first bites of food at the beginning of the second week. The reaction my body was having to some of my most favorite substances was a little unnerving. I was learning quickly that the way my body was now set up, that I was in for a whole new experience every time I tried something old, but now new…something I hoped would be temporary.

By the end of that first week I started to notice my body was rejecting the feeding tube that was inserted and stitched into my abdomen incase I was unable to ingest any foods. The tube had been pushed out an inch, ripping out the stitch causing irritation to the entry point. The nurses assured me it wasn’t getting infected and that the tube will not come completely out as it was over eighteen inches long. At least the drainage tube that was inserted and stitched on the other side of my abdomen was fine. The medical staff seemed to think that my body was simply healing, causing the feeding tube to be pushed out. Ok, if they say all is well, than I believe them, after all they went to school for this and well, I didn’t.

Read more

Those first few days after the surgery were the easiest believe it or not, minus my insatiable thirst. My dad and mom were very surprised how coherent I was right after my surgery and the immediate days following. The same was said when I spoke with my bio-mom on the phone and my friend whom had the surgery stopped by the day after surgery, they were both quite amazed with how well I was doing so soon afterwards. After talking to them, I feel it could have been attributed to not having awakened with a tube down my throat in which they had. I was very happy to learn this, however unfortunate for them. These tubes are in place in case the patient needs assistance ingesting nutrients through the mouth once cleared to do so. I never really got a clear answer to why I didn’t receive one, but was glad nonetheless.

Probably the most annoying and bothersome was the tube in my neck, it was actually keeping me up at night and just making my time awake unpleasant. I was informed it was a backup in case the other IV in my arm stopped working. After three miserable days I finally got the nurse to take it out…Thank you!

Read more

The night after my surgery I faded in and out of brief moments of sleep. The nurses continuously checked up on me, which was nice, except every so often when it was for my suppository. They’d also come in to empty my catheter bag and drainage container, both of which got full quite often. If you were wondering, the drainage tube was stuck through a hole on the right side of my abdomen to drain any fluid/blood build up from the surgeries; it was kind of like a pump. None of the tubes bothered me more than the IV stuck in my neck though, it made turning my head to talk or sleep fairly uncomfortable. There wasn’t really much pain in general from the entire surgery, but it was certainly unpleasant anytime I had to adjust myself, the suppository procedure was absolutely the most strenuous movement by far. I couldn’t imagine how much it would have hurt if I hadn’t had my epidural still inserted into my spine.

Read more

The day had finally arrived…

It was easily the most intense day of my life, going into surgery feeling healthy and fine with no idea how I was going to be afterwards, my emotions were all over the place. After all I had read and discussed with doctors, my bio-mom and new friend through the BC Cancer Agency, I had mixed thoughts on what the future might hold. I think I was mostly excited however. That may not make much sense, but to get this monkey off my back at last was something I was truly looking forward to. Don’t get me wrong; I was definitely nervous at the same time, not about the surgery, but about how I’d cope in both the short and long term without my stomach. I haven’t mentioned the lymph node surgery much, and to be honest it wasn’t really on my mind all that much. Yes it was a major surgery that alone might be something I would have taken more time to think about, but I imagine for obvious reasons, the removal of my stomach took precedence.

Read more

With some newfound clarity and understanding of what to expect and a surgery date finally confirmed, I set forth a game plan of sorts to go into the stomach and lymph node surgery feeling positive and energized, as I wasn’t sure how I’d be coming out of this life altering operation.

It was towards the end of April 2011 and with my surgery officially planned to happen on May 30^th, 2011, I had roughly a month to cram in as much living, and of course eating as I could. After all my life and how I had lived for the past 30+ years was going to me no more.

Read more