Memoir of a Hollow Man

I thought this day would be filled with more excitement and celebration, after all its May 30, 2012, the one-year anniversary of the day that changed my life forever. However, due to my recent ACL reconstruction I’m sitting on my all to familiar couch celebrating life alone, my first birthday of sorts, well in the sense that I have learned and for the most adjusted to life without a stomach. Yep, it’s been one year ago that I went to sleep with what I was told at the time was a healthy stomach, only to awake with no stomach at all. Having to decide to go ahead with the operation on the premise that I possessed a gene mutation (CDH1) that could potentially cause stomach cancer was a lot harder of a decision than I originally thought. While also being diagnosed with stage-two testicular cancer, I had lymph nodes removed that same day, which seemed to be the more rational of the two and the optimal course of action with the type of tumor that had been discovered in my cancerous testicle that had been removed previously. Figuring they were cutting me open anyways, this was a good time to “kill two birds with one stone” as they say, making the decision a little easier to go sans stomach.

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…They say, “timing is everything” and “when it rains it pours”, two sayings that pretty much defined this period in my life and unfortunately in a negative way. A year hadn’t gone by since my relationship ended and even though I knew things wouldn’t have worked out, I had a hard time letting go…that was very hard on me. The unsuccessful business endeavor, continuous disappointment finding a full-time job or career, my knee injury and misdiagnosis, along with the testicular cancer, surgery, CDH1 mutation and the looming stomach surgery, were all made a little harder on me by not having the person I had beside me the four previous years. I had tried to move on a couple times, but when not much is going positively in ones life, it can be very hard to connect with someone. The last thing I wanted to do was sound like I was complaining and so socializing was sometimes very hard to do, which of course then multiplies the effect of feeling shitty. I forced myself out as often as I could, but not being able to be myself or participate in activities, the only times I really got out was to party. It helped me get through things a little, but the days after would almost be twice as bad…to use another saying, “it was like a double edged sword”.

I had had a part-time job for a couple months now that was helping, it was keeping me afloat plus it allowed me to put a stop to what was a growing financial problem. The job was an escape from all the shit that was happening as well. Finding a career now seemed kind of pointless, I knew with my stomach and knee surgeries that I would need some significant time to recover, not to mention I wasn’t sure what life was going to be like after the stomach surgery and if it would limit my employment options.

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